Television

The Sunday Age

Sunday December 21, 2008

Melinda Houston

The programming elves have ensured there's something for everyone this week, so long as you're not too discriminating. Melinda Houston reports.

Well, Christmas is almost upon us. And despite the fact that we like to pretend we're all spending the period relishing the company of our family, having singalongs and playing jolly games of charades, chances are we will all, at some stage or other, plonk in front of the box.

But just because you're watching telly doesn't mean you can't maintain the mood. There's a huge selection of Christmas-themed viewing this week to keep you in the festive spirit. And to help you choose appropriately from holly-decked TV guides, here's a handy grouping of the smorgasbord on offer...

FOR THE TRADITIONALIST For you, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas unless you made time to watch the same three or four programs you've been watching for the last 10, 20 or possibly 50 years.

An absolute must is Carols by Candlelight (Wednesday 8pm, Channel Nine).

Every year you think about actually going, but instead settle for watching that nice Karl Stefanovic and Georgie Parker, and all the kiddies' faces lit up by candles from the comfort of your lounge room.

And, it's not exactly traditional, but you might indulge yourself by checking out Shrek the Halls (7.30pm, Nine) beforehand while you heat the eggnog.

On the day itself, if you have pay TV you'll be in heaven, because Fox Classics is screening a full day of Christmas movies, starting from 2.10pm: It's a Wonderful Life, Holiday Inn and White Christmas. They don't make 'em like that any more.

If you don't have pay TV there's always that other (cough) Christmas classic, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (7.30pm, Nine). And before that you'll be demanding a bit of shoosh for The Queen's Christmas Message (7.20pm, ABC1). She always looks so lovely, doesn't she?

FOR THE STERN TRADITIONALIST Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean it has to be fun. Christmas is about religion, and religion means misery and suffering and hell despite this being the most joyous day in the Christian calendar. So to get you in the mood, you can catch Merry Christmas: Joyeux Noel (Sunday 8.35pm, ABC1).

Despite its title, this 2005 movie about the hideous bloodshed and unspeakable hardship of the Western Front during the Great War is bound to thin your lips. Sure, they call a truce on Christmas Eve - but that's only so they can bury corpses.

On Christmas Day, ABC1 has Midnight Mass from St Peter's Basilica at 11am. The Pope may be spreading peace on Earth and goodwill to all men, but don't you think he always looks rather sad?

Then, if you really want to work yourself into a disapproving lather, try Something about Mary Magdalene (Wednesday 8.30pm, History Channel). This dour and rather unlikely "investigation" of the "real" Magdalene is guaranteed to have its makers burning for all eternity.

FOR THE CHRISTMAS TRAGIC You'll watch anything with Christmas or Noel (or Snow or December) in the title, regardless of its quality or content. And for you, there's an absolute feast. The good thing about being completely indiscriminate is that there's always the chance you'll stumble across some gems (the animated feature A Very Barry Christmas, Thursday 8.15am, ABC1, is actually quite fun).

But to get there you have to plough your way through the likes of Christmas out of the Box (Sunday 7.30pm, Lifestyle Channel), a faux-revealing insight into Christmas myths and traditions, and a pile of B-, C- and D-grade movies cynically produced in a great rush to cash in on the holiday season. These range from the mildly likeable (Christmas at the Riviera, Thursday 8.30pm, ABC1; Snow Wonder, Wednesday 10.30pm, Nine) to the truly execrable (A Carol Christmas, Thursday 11.30pm, Nine; A Boyfriend for Christmas, Thursday 4pm, Nine).

FOR THE ICONOCLAST You secretly love Christmas but wouldn't be caught dead watching It's a Wonderful Life. Instead, you choose television fare that's Christmas themed, but with an ironic edge. Just in case someone guesses the truth.

The Comedy Channel's Christmas South Park marathon (starting at 9am on Christmas Eve) is just the ticket, including as it does a host of special Christmas episodes featuring, among others, Charles Manson and Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo.

Then on Thursday - after returning from the family lunch and before heading out with your mates to debrief - you have The Simpsons episode Dude Where's my Ranch (5.30pm, Channel Ten), in which Homer writes a Christmas carol, called Flanders is a Jerk. That's followed by A Colbert Christmas (Comedy Channel, 6.30pm). And if you're home in time, Creature Comforts: Merry Christmas (9.50pm, ABC2). Or you could set the TiVo.

FOR THE SCROOGE You hate Christmas because it interrupts your normal viewing schedule. Never fear! There are still big chunks of scheduling as usual, particularly on SBS (which is all you really watch anyway).

So on Christmas Eve you'll still be able to enjoy World News, Food Safari and A Long Way Down. Even better, on Christmas Day you'll get back-to-back repeats of that lovely Inspector Rex. It'll be like Christmas never happened.

WHAT DAY IS IT...?

There are those - generally sub-25, substance-affected and a little bit sneery - who either genuinely forget that this is when we celebrate the day Our Lord came to Earth in human form, or are doing their best to do so. For you there's ...

The Fast and the Furious (Wednesday 9.30pm, Ten and TenHD): crime, dangerous driving, gun battles. Perfect.

Followed by ...

Alien Siege (11.40pm, TenHD): a high-camp, low-concept mishmash of V, Independence Day and Battlefield Earth.

And on Christmas Day?

Kung Faux: Mini Lee (11pm, ABC2): take a bunch of '70s martial arts films, cut them up, mix in 21st-century music, redub with voice-overs from assorted hip-hop dudes, then sit back and enjoy. The more stoned you are, the funnier it is.

© 2008 The Sunday Age

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